This week has not been a great one for Judah though at the start of it, it looked like it would be great!
On Sunday, he and I went to Kingsport to help my younger sister after she had rotator cuff surgery. Judah and Will love each other and play the same way; that kind of sit with action figures, cars, whatever imaginary play. They had both been looking forward to it.
We got there around the kiddos bedtime so there wasn’t time for any activity. They just went straight to bed. Cara and I stayed up for a bit to talk and the retired to bed too. Around 11:30 Cara comes downstairs and says “Judah is saying his foot is really hurting him.” I figured it was cramping and told her to send him down to me, apologizing that she had to get up with him. A few minutes later, here she comes, CARRYING, my 9 yr old down stairs. Reminder: she had rotator cuff surgery 10 days ago. Isaid, “What are you doing?? Put him down! He can walk.” Little did I know, he couldn’t walk. She put him on the bed and I could see in his face that he was in excruciating pain. His foot was not swollen or bruised but touching anywhere on the top was more than he could take. Even touching the arch and pressing up was too much.
I started to rack my brain. He can’t have Motrin because it things blood and he is taking chemo that things blood vessels. He can’t have Tylenol because it masks fever and he has a port so if it got infected, he would get real sick real fast.
I started to cry. I was, again, away from Matthew and Judah was hurting and I didn’t know what to do. So I laid my hands on Judah and prayed over him. I prayed to Jehovah Rapha to heal Judah’s foot. I asked him to relieve Judah’s pain so he could sleep. Judah even prayed for himself. Nothing changed. I don’t know what I was expecting but I will say I started to feel an anger I haven’t felt in a long time. An anger about the injustice my boy has lived through thus far.
After 30 minutes after trying to calm him, I called Matthew who I said, “oh yeah. He feel today and I thought to myself, he probably just broke his foot. You probably need to take him to the ER for an x-ray.
WHAT?!?
I wasn’t calm.
Thankfully Cara brought ice and, after taking his temp and deciding it was worth the risk, I gave him Tylenol. He was able to sleep soon after.
The next day, he wouldn’t put any pressure on it. In fact if he fogort and accidentally put pressure on it, he would cry out in pain. We kept ice on it but it didn’t seem to be improving. I knew we were going home Tuesday so I decided to wait.
When he went down for a nap, I went out into Cara’s yard and did a prayer walk. By prayer walk I mean, I wondered around talking to God — voicing my anger and frustration that Judah keeps getting sick and hurt. That cancer wasn’t enough. My mind was fixated on a particular ‘why’. Why does he have to fall and possibly break his foot when he is already fighting cancer? Why, when he never has energy or desire to do much of anything active, does he have to get hurt playing outside with his sister? I felt so abandoned. So alone. I prayed for Jesus to show me a bit of His love for me. For Judah.
I listen to praise and worship music all the time. Most of those songs talk about God’s faithfulness. His ever presence.
·Before I call, before I ever cry
·You answer me from where the thunder hides
·I can’t outrun, this heart I’m tethered to
·With every step, I collide with you.
~Fierce, Jesus Culture
It’s weird. I didn’t feel abandoned because of Judah’s cancer. I felt abandoned because of all the other stuff. The anger he has, the fevers, the not eating, the cramps, the broken foot. Where my heart is, I felt empty. Did I do something? I didn’t know what else to say. I was sad and angry. I needed Jesus. My strength was but a breeze compared to His hurricane. My peace was turmoil. It was all a mess without Jesus.
After a couple of hrs, I went to ck on Judah and he was awake. I asked him how he felt. How his foot was. He said, “it feels better, I think. I can move it around!” And he wiggled his toes. And I cried! “Thank you Jesus for showing us Your love!” And Judah said, “yes!”
God is good. And He loves us with an undying, undeserved love. It is easy to have nothing but apathy for God when things go wrong while giving people all the glory when things go right. We have to learn not to divorce those things. God is good and bad things happen. God uses His people to love His people. (~Cara Mcmillin)
The rest of the week in the next post.