When it rains it pours (2)

Last Tuesday was a busy day. Judah and I were still in Kingsport helping Cara. She had a follow-up appointment with her surgeon in Knoxville. We all piled into Cara’s van (Cara and her 3 kids, Judah and me) and drove to my house where Mumzy (our Mom) was waiting to take care of all the kiddos while we were at the Dr. We made great time and dropped the kids in time to get lunch before hand.

Cara’s appointment went great and the Dr said everything looked good. It was quick and easy. We swung by the house and got Cara’s kids, leaving Judah at home with Matthew so he could go to school Wednesday, and got on the road to go back to Kingsport.

Everything went great Tuesday night–in Kingsport. I got the boys ready for bed, Billy read them a story and then we put them to bed. Cara, Billy and I got to hang out for a bit and then went to bed. The next morning, Matthew texted me during my quiet time to see if “I had a second to talk”. This is never a good sign. I called. Judah had spiked a fever last night and after careful thought and testing out of a hypothesis, he decided not to take him to the ER. Judah is fine. His fever and headache behaved the way they always had in the past. The protocol is to take Judah to the ER for a fever over 100.3 because of the port. We knew it wasn’t something like a blood infection, but as his Drs have said, there is no way to KNOW from home. Taking Judah to the ER every week in the middle of the night is not feasible. We need a different solution.

I got home Wednesday in time for dinner and enjoyed time with my kiddos. I was really glad to be home. The rest of the week went on like usual. Then, Saturday night at 3AM, Judah stumbles into our room. His head is killing him and he is running a fever–again. I got up with him, took him downstairs, took his temperature and heart rate, and tried to figure out what to do. Fever was 102.5, heart rate was between 145-155. This was obviously a ‘take him to the ER’ thing. And yet, I waited. I gave him a pain med that does NOT help with fever, to help with his headache and arm/leg pain and decided to wait 30 minutes to see how he was doing. That 30 minutes crept by and when it was finally time to reck him, his fever and heart rate were no better so I got him in the car.

At the ER they took him temperature and it had come down to 101.7 but that is still too high for Judah to have. They accessed his port, took a blood culture and cbc and started a round of antibiotics. After 1.5 hrs, his cbc came back relatively normal for a kid on chemo and he was discharged with orders to talk to our Oncologist Thursday. We were home by 6:30AM and though I was exhausted, Judah had gotten his second wind and the other 2 kiddos were awake. As you can imagine Sunday was a LONG day. Judah was not particularly nice but would you bet if you’d gotten up at 3AM?

Our prayer is that someone finds out what’s causing he headaches and fever so we can stop them. And also, selfishly, that Matthew and I can find ways to talk to Judah, patiently and with love, when he is spewing meanness at everyone around him.

Chemo is Thursday.

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1st clinic visit and learning to deal with feelings

Judah and I went to ETCH this morning for his 1st off-week clinic check. It was an easy appt and with the Emla Cream, Judah didn’t even feel it when the nurse accessed his port! Oncology nurses are really good at sticks and Judah told her so! “That was way better than the other night that the ER. You are really good at that.”
His labs looked good so he will be having his 2nd Chemo next Thursday.
As we were waiting for his labs to come back, I thought about how amazing the nurses, Drs, and clinic is there at ETCH. Judah said, as we entered our patient room, “wow this room is very relaxing! I like it”. The nurse that accessed him was friendly and sweet. She joked with him that she could help with whatever he needed as long as it wasn’t his Math homework, haha. Judah’s oncologist Dr. Spiller, is just so good at what she does and really made an effort to connect with Judah and with me. We felt cared about and heard and loved. And when your kid is starting a year long chemo, those are the feelings you want to have! I am so very grateful to have ETCH Hem/Onc taking care of Judah!

I’m guessing all the the positivity we had today was making up for all the negativity we had yesterday. Judah was in a foul mood yesterday. It didn’t start off great because I am not the best at morning time anythings… I woke up, made breakfast, packed lunches, got dressed and felt like I was crushing it. And then Judah says, “Mom, we are supposed to be at school in 2 minutes. We are gonna be really late.” UGH! I’m telling you guys, I never remember just how much Matthew helps out in the mornings until he isn’t here. I just do not function well before 2 cups of coffee. So we were late. Like 15 minutes late. And Judah HATES being late. He was sitting in the back seat, saying, “I have a math test today and it usually starts right after devotion. If I miss the beginning of the math test, I won’t be able to finish it on time.” I do my best to reassure him, telling him that the joy of part-time homeschooling is that he can finish his test anytime. I tell him it’s not a big deal. But he isn’t having it.

We get to school, I walk them into class and remind Judah’s teacher that I will be back in an hr to take him to cancer counseling. But when I got to school to get him, he was on the verge of tears. I asked him what was wrong. Can you guess?? “I didn’t finish my math test Momma!” He was full blown crying now. And I was so thankful we were on the way to counseling. I knew Judah needed time with Dr. Reno and that she was really good at getting him to talk about whatever was eating him up inside. But 30 minutes in, his counselor ended the session at his request. He wouldn’t talk to her. He wouldn’t look at her. He cried/tried not to cry and shrugged his shoulders with every attempt to communicate. Finally she asked him if he wanted to end early and go back to school and he said yes.

After I spoke to his counselor for a few minutes about some tools Matthew and I can use to talk about Judah’s cancer, we left. He was very emotional on the way to the car and even yelled at me. “I asked you not to talk about my cancer so much and you said you wouldn’t, but that’s all you talk about anymore!” I was at this point that I realized my sweet Judah was not dealing with his cancer diagnosis well at all. I tried to explain to him that when I said that, it was when his tumor wasn’t growing. Now that it is growing again, I had to talk about it some. He just looked at me with frustration. He didn’t speak to me again until we were all the way through the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru line — at 11:30. If you’ve ever been there at lunch time, you know he was silent for like 20 minutes! When he finally talked to me again, he said, “will you please take me to school now?”

Guys, Judah and I have been doing cancer counseling and lunch dates every 2 wks for almost 4 yrs and it has always been a joy. But I think, maybe, that time is over for now. Cancer at 4-5 yrs old was hard. Watching Judah go through all that and him not be able to understand why was excruciating. I think cancer at 9-10 is going to be a whole lot harder though. He knows what’s going on. He gets it enough to be angry and dread every conversation. He is struggling. He is hurting. Let me tell you, not being able to help him is tearing me apart.

A friend sent me a verse last night, Isaiah 40:28-29

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.

I have no power. No strength. No understanding. But Jesus does. I choose to trust that He, whose understanding in unsearchable, will continue to give me the right words to say to Judah. Words to lift him up and restore his strength.

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going home soon!

Judah’s fever has come down to 99 after Tylenol, fluids and 1 round of antibiotics.

All the tests and blood look negative/normal. Blood culture takes longer but they’ll call with any updates.

They are going to give him another round of antibiotics and then we get to go home.
If he gets another fever in the next 24hrs I have to bring him back.
We are exhausted. We both cannot wait to go home and sleep…thanks for the prayers.

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103.4 fever means ER…ugh

Judah woke at 2AM with a headache and a 103.4 fever. Matthew is in Atlanta. I knew we had to go to the ER but also knew I couldn’t take all 3 kids with me. I called Matthew and he said he’d get Emilie to come over to stay with the littles. I called the oncology on-call Dr who said you gotta take him to the ER. Which I knew but was hoping to hear differently. I got Judah dressed and put him in the car.

Once at the ER, we were taken right back. Perks of being on Chemo is you don’t ever wait on the ER 😏. To dangerous for his immune system.

They’ve now accessed his port, drawn blood, done a strep and flu test. Now we are waiting.

Prayers friends. Matthew is frantic that he is not here. I’m not so hot myself and I am here. I thought we had a lot longer before all this started.

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Reckless Love

The Sunday after we found out Judah’s tumor was growing again, we went to church. There were many who didn’t understand WHY we would want to go, knowing we would have to answer the questions:
How are you guys?
How’s Judah?
I knew those questions would be hard and that I couldn’t even really answer them and that our people loved us and would hold us close. But I also knew I needed to worship.

Worship music is my path to Jesus’ feet. Without it church is very difficult for me. And Matthew knows that about me. So we went. The music was on point and I was singing and communing the way I was longing to. And then the band played, what was a new song to me, Reckless Love by Cory Asbury.

Guys, let me just tell you, my body reacted before I knew in my heart what was happening. Viscerally. And I was overcome. As the words washed over me, Matthew holding me up, I gave up the pretense that I could do ANYTHING without Jesus. And just in thinking that sentence, ASSURANCE.

Don’t misunderstand me. There was no Godly promise that Judah would be ok. Or that Matthew and I would be the rock Judah needed. The assurance was that Jesus knows my sorrow, my fears, my anger. And He loves me. Assurance that He knows Judah’s fears, his anger. And He loves Judah. In fact, Jesus loves Judah more than I do. And that love leaves the ninety-nine for the one. It gives new mercies every morning. It is free and undeserved. It is faithful and endures forever.

And that is the love that will hold me- and Matthew, Judah, Camilla Kate, Emmett and everyone of the sheep of His pasture. That is His promise. No matter what.

Reckless Love (chorus/bridge):
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.
Oh, it chases me down
Fights til I’m found
Leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it and I don’t deserve it
Still You give yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Comin’ after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie you won’t tear down
Comin’ after me

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Judah becomes a grumpy teenager

by: Cara McMillin

Today Judah woke up as a grumpy teenager.  He was quick with sharp toned one word answers, mean to his parents and siblings, and generally emotional.  By lunchtime they hadn’t done any school work and his mood had not improved.  Then this happened:   *Cricket is Camilla Kate

Judah to Cricket: You are as useless as purple Pokémons!”

Cricket: No I’m not! I’m bright and useful! (While crying)

Judah: Who cares what you think.

Wendi: Ummm I’m not sure how useless purple Pokémons are but Cricket is right, she is bright and useful and you will not put people down to make yourself feel better. Your tongue is powerful. It has the power to heal and break. What is Proverbs 12:18?

Judah: (insert grumpy teenage voice) “Thoughtless words cut like swords, but the tongue of a wise person brings healing.”

Wendi: So I want you to think of 2 adjectives that describe your sister and heal her.

Judah: (pause for 10 mins) Funny and playful, maybe.

Wendi: Great. Go tell her that. And on the way think of a Pokémon that is funny and playful and tell her that she is like that!

Judah: Cricket you are funny and playful. Not useless. Like a Pink Pokémon not a purple one. (Now he’s crying).

The truth is in him and it will win out in the end.  As of now no school work has been done and he is asleep.  On the plus side Wendi is taking the chance to spend some sweet one on one time with Camilla Kate and a new phrase has been born, “You really purple Pokémoned that one!”

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conquer the world

Hello friends-
After Judah’s first Chemo yesterday we weren’t sure how he would feel or even if he would want to go to school. We were praying he would want to and be able to and that is exactly what happened.

He slept very well and woke up ready to get back to school and see his friends!

I was noticably nervous walking him into school, knowing many would want to hear all about the last 3 wks, and not being sure if I was emotionally prepared for it. But as I had been praying that Judah’s friends would make him feel normal (and they did!), God blessed me with the same. People hugged me and told me they were reading my posts here and that they would be praying for us. What a lovely feeling to KNOW my community is around me, for my family, but sweetly knowing that I may not be ready.

Thank you to everyone who hugged me, who asked how they could help, who listened to brief stories and didn’t prod. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

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the head/heart divide

My God is good. And Generous. He is merciful and kind. He washes me with grace again and again. Yet I struggle to have faith like a child.
It is confusing to me the heart/head divide. That in my heart I know my God will surround me and lift me up. That He will not abandoned me in my time of need. That he rescues those who love Him and call on Him. But my head, the stubborn and divisive thing it is, reminds me that God being good and bad things happening aren’t mutually exclusive. My head, which can reason me into a fear spiral, says God will do whatever He can to bring his people to himself. That His will often doesn’t match the longings of my heart.
This is when the anxiety begins to eat away at my faith.
I turn to His word, which has never failed me. I read and I pray and sing worship and I cling to hope. And remember that He is good and He loves me with a ridiculously compassionate love.
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first chemo in the books

There is a heaviness that sits over a chemo clinic. I had forgotten that tight chested, woozy-headed, rapid-heart beat feeling that comes with seeing, not only your own child but a room full of really sick kids, doing one of the hardest things we can do as humans — fighting for the right to live. That feeling is pretty wretched. Seeing and being helpless.

Judah was a warrior today. It began with labs at 9am. After everything came back normal, we picked a spot and settled in for a long morning. He ate and drank everything we could throw at him and ask for more! He was very tired but refused to sleep…he’s very stubborn😏 The only real frustratation came when his feet and hands began cramping. But with flexing, moving, and water it passed.

After 3 hrs of chemo, he got flushed and deaccessed and we were free!
He’s still fighting sleep but I think the car ride home will over power him 😂

We will do labs etc next week and then chemo in 2 wks. For now, we ask for prayers that he can go to school, enjoy it, get the work done, and feel ‘normal’ with his friends. Thanks all!

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First MRI after starting chemo

Tomorrow morning at 8:00am cst Judah will be receiving his first follow-up MRI scan to check the status of his tumor. Please join us in praying for:
-Easy ck in
-Peace for Judah and us
-No problems with anesthesia intubation
-Scan shows tumor is smaller or at least the same size
-Meeting with oncologist is comforting, informative, and productive
In other news, Judah has been doing wonderful this last week. His balance has her better and he has had little to no nausea. He is actually eating better. His emotions have been wonky but better than before. Thank you for praying for him, us. We see and feel it.

Brain has expanded to fill cavity in 4th vent (great news) and tumor appears to be the same size (No bigger for sure!) Dr said he is very happy with the scans and wants to see him back in 3 months. He thinks they will be able to see more clearly if it has shrunk in that scan. Great news! Jesus is so good to us!
Thank you for all your prayers!
~The Thacker Family

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