the head/heart divide

My God is good. And Generous. He is merciful and kind. He washes me with grace again and again. Yet I struggle to have faith like a child.
It is confusing to me the heart/head divide. That in my heart I know my God will surround me and lift me up. That He will not abandoned me in my time of need. That he rescues those who love Him and call on Him. But my head, the stubborn and divisive thing it is, reminds me that God being good and bad things happening aren’t mutually exclusive. My head, which can reason me into a fear spiral, says God will do whatever He can to bring his people to himself. That His will often doesn’t match the longings of my heart.
This is when the anxiety begins to eat away at my faith.
I turn to His word, which has never failed me. I read and I pray and sing worship and I cling to hope. And remember that He is good and He loves me with a ridiculously compassionate love.
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first chemo in the books

There is a heaviness that sits over a chemo clinic. I had forgotten that tight chested, woozy-headed, rapid-heart beat feeling that comes with seeing, not only your own child but a room full of really sick kids, doing one of the hardest things we can do as humans — fighting for the right to live.┬áThat feeling is pretty wretched. Seeing and being helpless.

Judah was a warrior today. It began with labs at 9am. After everything came back normal, we picked a spot and settled in for a long morning. He ate and drank everything we could throw at him and ask for more! He was very tired but refused to sleep…he’s very stubborn­čśĆ The only real frustratation came when his feet and hands began cramping. But with flexing, moving, and water it passed.

After 3 hrs of chemo, he got flushed and deaccessed and we were free!
He’s still fighting sleep but I think the car ride home will over power him ­čśé

We will do labs etc next week and then chemo in 2 wks. For now, we ask for prayers that he can go to school, enjoy it, get the work done, and feel ‘normal’ with his friends.┬áThanks all!

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First MRI after starting chemo

Tomorrow morning at 8:00am cst Judah will be receiving his first follow-up MRI scan to check the status of his tumor. Please join us in praying for:
-Easy ck in
-Peace for Judah and us
-No problems with anesthesia intubation
-Scan shows tumor is smaller or at least the same size
-Meeting with oncologist is comforting, informative, and productive
In other news, Judah has been doing wonderful this last week. His balance has her better and he has had little to no nausea. He is actually eating better. His emotions have been wonky but better than before. Thank you for praying for him, us. We see and feel it.

Brain has expanded to fill cavity in 4th vent (great news) and tumor appears to be the same size (No bigger for sure!) Dr said he is very happy with the scans and wants to see him back in 3 months. He thinks they will be able to see more clearly if it has shrunk in that scan. Great news! Jesus is so good to us!
Thank you for all your prayers!
~The Thacker Family

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chemo side effects and neuropathy stinks

Hello all!
We’ve been going hard for the last 2 wks and I’ve not been updating very well. I’m sorry for that.
The last 2 wks Judah has been receiving a partial chemo treatment. It is totally normal and part of this first 10 wk run. He had 4 wks of both drugs and these last 2 wks have been only 1 drug, vinchristine. This week he will go back to both drugs for 4 more wks.
Honestly, these 2 wks on vinchristine have felt like a break from chemo because the nausea, vomiting, and irritability have been pretty much absent (barring a few instances). The only thing we really notice was his balance was really off. I mean REALLy off. He has fallen a lot so he is covered from head to toe in bruises.
So today at PT Julie did her normal feet/leg stretching and did a test to see if he could feel her touching toes/arch/heels and he could on some and couldn’t on some. In watching him walk, climb, etc she said she thinks it could be neuropathy/foot drop. It could also be that his muscles are still redeveloping. Or it could be that where his tumor is located, in the brainstem, it could be causing balance issues too. So we aren’t sure.
One of the most common side effects of vinchristine is neuropathy. We didn’t put 2 and 2 together that the off balance could be neuropathy. We thought neuropathy was painful…we are new to this. The one good thing is this mess is that he isn’t experiencing any pain with the neuropathy!
Before we started chemo, Dr. Espenshade said that if the neuropathy got bad and foot drop was a more common side effect we would have to switch regiments. We don’t know what that looks like. We don’t know of this foot drop is the beginning of a “more common” or just a side effect. We don’t know if its something to be concerned about or just part of the chemo deal. So we will talk to oncology and PT and watch and see what the next step is to get him in a better, safer walking place while killing this cancer!

http://youtu.be/pTA3VJzX1uE

http://youtu.be/HyzE0-TdInc

Please be in prayer for:
-Clear direction with chemo regiment and side effects
-Explanation of neuropathy/foot drop and whether it will be permanent
-If permanent, what does that look like for Judah
-Continued no pain with neuropathy and little to no side effects as we go back to both drugs this wk
-Better balance for Judah in everyday activities like walking, running, jumping, climbing stairs, and riding Stridor bike
-MRI (9/18) shows no growth and/or shrinkage of the tumor

Thank you all!
Resting between His shoulders-
The Thacker Family

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God loves to give grace

Today was the first Sunday since the surgery that both our kids went to their classes without any trouble and stayed the whole service!
I had been actually dreading another attempt and had told Matthew I didn’t think we should even try for Sundays. But he was playing in our churches new venue (Amped Two Rivers Church) and I really wanted to go to at least the worship part. So I got up with the kiddos and prayed for God to make things smooth for us.
Judah woke, showered, took all his medicine and ate breakfast without a fight…which doesn’t ever happen. Cricket was her usual jolly self but I was worried about the time cause the 10:40 service is nap time. However, as God had shown up for me with Judah’s morning, He did the same for Camilla Kate.
When we got in the car I explained to Judah that we were gonna go to the big service and he started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, but I don’t want to go to church I want to go to my class! I was shocked as the last 2 times I tried to take him were awful. He just got overwhelmed with the noise and number of kids.
But God heard my prayer this morning. He made my morning smooth. Both my kiddos behaved and were great in class and I got to go to worship AND listen to the sermon.
Thank you God for caring about me and the longings of my heart.
Please continue to pray for Judah as he goes back to his full Chemo regiment next week. Pray for no nausea, neuropathy, or balance issues. His balance is our biggest concern right now as he keeps falling down. He fell into a bookcase over Labor Day weekend and then last week he tripped on nothing and busted his lip wide open. Little guy is having a hard time. Thankfully the black eye, bruised cheek and forehead are fading and his lip is healing faster than I thought possible. Other than the falls, it’s been a good week. Thank you for praying and please continue to do so.
Resting between His shoulders-
The Thacker Family

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No news…is not good for me and chemo day

Last night was thankfully uneventful. He slept great and his breathing was regular. We go to chemo this morning and we will see what Dr Spiller says. This may be related to his mental coordination that his neuro surgeon told us about.
If I didn’t explain it earlier, it’s where his brain isn’t capable of managing/controlling 2 things at once (ie: managing anger and breathing normally). So when he gets overly angry, his brain can’t both control his mood/physical lashing out and tell him to keep breathing, so he passes out. This is not supposed to be permanent. The surgeon said that any of the symptoms he is experiencing can possibly be blamed on his surgery/tumor and we won’t know what until he is at least 6 months post surgery.
We obviously would rather this to be a symptom of surgery and are praying that the passing out was the mental coordination and not the tumor growing or shunt malfunction.
Thank you for the kind words and prayers.

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Judah stops breathing and I almost have a heart attack

Judah just stopped breathing and passed out. Was out for about 30secs before he came too. Have calls into neuro surgeon and oncology. Please pray!

Well we talked to the Hem/Onc nurse and she said she would let our oncologist and neuro surgeon know and that they would probably call us to talk about it. However since his vitals were normal and his ox sats were good, they didn’t think it was emergent.
We haven’t heard from either dr yet so I’m guessing we won’t hear anything tonight. Tomorrow Judah has chemo at 9:30 so I will talk with his oncologist here and she what she thinks. Last week when his balance was off, she said if he was still off she would send us for a ct scan so we may do that tomorrow to make sure the shunt is working properly.
I have ckd his pulse ox all day and since recovering from passing out it has stayed between 92-96 so that is good. We will ck it night too.
Please be in prayer for both his breathing and overall brain safety.

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chemo side effects make keeping a full tummy hard

Well we had made it 4 wks without any day of side effects but today he came home tired and then before bed threw up. It only lasted about 5 minutes but in throw up time that’s like an hr! He recovered fast and is now eating saltines and drinking water. Pray for a calm tummy and restful sleep.

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second chemo and nausea sucks

Yesterday was Judah’s 2nd chemo. He got sick, like before, about 20 minutes in and stayed sick for around 30 minutes. He didn’t throw up though so that’s a plus. He was pretty worn out after.
Today he had his PT/OT evaluations. He got scared at first, thinking it was a “hospital” but soon had a blast playing with his new buddies Julie and Katie. He wasn’t shy at all and they got to really see his strengths and weaknesses. Like Ashley, his Speech Therapist, they agree he needs breath support and torso strengthening but he also needs fine and gross motor skills. So he will have speech 1 day a week, pt and ot will both be 2 days a week. Thankfully they were able to avoid Wednesdays and Thursdays so he will have chemo day and day after to just rest.
Next week will be very busy as he will have his first pt Monday then we head straight to Nashville for his neuro ck where they will also remove his stitches. Then his first ot is Tuesday evening. Wednesday is chemo and Friday is ot/pt again. Pray for strength and endurance for the crazy week, a calm and peaceful spirit as we go back to Vanderbilt (as Judah seems to have anxiety about hospitals now) and patience for both Judah and me as we get more accustomed to our new normal.

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first chemo side effects…already

This morning at breakfast Judah was holding his jaws while he chewed. We asked him what was wrong and he said his mouth hurt. We asked him where it hurt and held the sides of his face. His jaws.
The oncologist had told us that one of the side effects of his chemo is neuropathy in jaws, fingers/hands, and toes/feet.
Please pray specifically for this to go away and stay away. Jaw pain/neuropathy on top of nausea will make him not want to eat no matter what we give him. If his calories drop we will have to go back to a feeding tube.

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